Determined to be me.

Determined to finally be me.

I thought when I encountered true love, my kids became independent, found a church family, settled into my dream job, lost weight, got stronger, gained 26k followers on instagram, started my blog I would finally feel content. I would feel like me. Jaime. It didn’t happen.

All the pieces started to fit into place, why do I still feel it’s not enough? But, that is it. It’s far from over. I expected that when all my dreams and goals were being accomplished that I would feel that “a ha” moment. That things would just click and I would be perfectly content. Who am I kidding? Life is not easy. It’s complicated. Hard. Heartbreaking. That’s the beauty of it. The things I am going through, the feelings I feel, the emotions I am experiencing are for me to grow. Learn. Overcome.

Finding me in all this. It’s sometimes exhausting. I fight with this daily. I know I should be happy. I am! But feelings of fear, worry, not being apart of, am I a good wife, mom, teacher, friend, these thoughts creep in. Oh and they dig deep. How do I handle it. Trusting. Believing. Praying. Constantly.

This past year has taught me that I still have work to do. Not just physically but spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I have allowed the scales to control me. My emotions. How I view my reflection. The way others see me. My attitude. Relationships. Really? Why? Letting go of something that has been a huge part of my weight loss story, it has been my anchor. It was the number on a digital box. It shouldn’t have been. But it was. My whole life it has been. Battling weight gains, losses, an eating disorder and the constant fight of being unhealthy. Today I realized that I have to let go of the scale and realize it is not capable of giving me joy. Only He can do that. Believing it. Embracing it. Inside and out. Finding what it truly is to be Me. Yes!

So what's next? Taking one day at a time. Finding balance. Being consistent. Giving myself grace. Determined is an understatement. My purpose. Living it out. Not allowing the enemy to tell me otherwise. I will not be discouraged. I will not lose sight of what I have been called to do. Living fully. Being Happy. Sharing my story. Encouraging and helping others. Experiencing joy. True JOY! Allowing His light to shine bright in everything I do. For Him.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12