Holding your hand.

Holding your hand. It’s been a long time. I grew up. I got older. You did too. Time has passed. Memories made. Moments cherished. I look at you and see my daddy. Still the same. Loving. Kind. Giving. Strong. Handsome. Time is a thief. I am learning that quickly. You tell me stories. You tell me everything will be ok. You are my hero. Your joy for life is contagious. Even in your pain you stay strong. You have taught me. You are still teaching me. To love. To give. To share. To live. To help. To let go. To let God. Daddy. I love you more than dirt.

I did not expect my summer days to look like they do. I experienced one of the hardest school years yet and needed time to refocus, refuel and refresh. I am not getting that. Instead I am spending my days sitting next to my daddy as dementia and cancer take over his strong body. It’s one of the hardest things I have every had to watch. You know what? I would not change anything. I am getting to hold his hand again. His sweet, thin, soft, strong hand. It’s so perfect.

Here’s my daddy’s story.

When my daddy was diagnosed with dementia over a year ago, I was in shock. My daddy. The man of many stories. The story teller. The history buff. Slowly losing memories. Not of the past but of the present. I wouldn’t wish this disease on anyone. It takes away the best part of them. The mind is such a beautiful thing. Full of knowledge and memories. Good. Bad. Ugly. When those things start to slip away. They slip away. So you embrace the moments you have. Soak it all in. Remembering not to take life for granted even in the pain. I made sure to spend one day a week with him. But slowly those days became fewer and fewer. I was allowing the overwhelmingness of my day to take over. I would allow exhaustion to get in the way. I am thankful for knowing that but also sad I allowed it to happen. I lost days with my sweet daddy. I can’t take that time back but I will not regret a single day with him now.

Then this. Daddy had started complaining about shocks of pain going down his legs and had to start using his walker instead of his cane. Mom had made him appointment a couple weeks ago due to his severe back pain. The appointment was for Thursday, June 3. The morning of appointment dad was unable to walk. Mom took daddy to his appointment and they did MRI. They found stenosis spinal decompression. They decided to do surgery on Friday , June 4 to fix the problem. Saturday we thought he would regain stregth but that was not the case! On Sunday he lost leg feeling. Not able to stand or put pressure on legs and lots of pain. On Wednesday (6th) they decided to do MRI to see what could be the problem. During MRI found a hematoma from surgery spot on lower spine and a tumor on his upper spine. They went in and removed hematoma. The dr decided they needed to do CAT scan to see what they could find and where the tumor might have originated from. CAT scan was done and they found another spot on his hip (grapefruit size), rib and kidney. They also did biopsy on hip tumor to see what kind of cancer. Stage 4 renal cancer was confirmed started in kidney and has metathesized to bone. The neurosurgeon decided to do radiation on Friday , June 11th to see if they can shrink and help with pain on spine. After talking to doctors and further treatment for daddy the decision was made that we could take him home. Hospice has been set up and daddy came home on Tuesday, June 15th.

Now. Here we are.

Summer. Sweet summertime. Oh how I adore you. I look forward to long days, beautiful sunshine and rainy ones too. Days of porch sitting with my love, lounging on the pier, days hanging with my daddy, walks with my mom and friends, creating, writing, filming and two a day workouts. Days of no schedule and soaking in all that summer gives. Those things. Not so much. Today. I sit next to my daddy. Watching him. Enjoying him. Taking care of him. God had different plans for my summer. So I can either be sad, angry, bitter or I can take this time to cherish life’s sweet moments. This season. Is different. This season. Is not fun. This season. Is my season. Making the best of these perfect moments. This is what this life is all about. Living one day a time. Holding his hand.

No matter where our journey takes us. God’s plan is beautiful and hand written. I’m so thankful for His unbelievable grace, love, and peace. I pray that for my family. I pray that for you my friend.

xoxo, jme